Today we went to a Chinese New Year's Party. Thanks Circe! While there, I talked to a lot of great people. One lady said she loved my blog and I had so many happy things going on. Of course, I told her I usually don't blog about the yucky things. Obviously, I do to a very small extent, air my unhappy or dirty laundry, if you will, but mostly I keep it upbeat. Maybe it is because that is what I want to remember. Maybe I don't want the world to know how truly dysfunctional I feel I am. I know I am my worst judge and I tend to look at the bad more than the good, but whatever the reason, please know my life is not perfect. I struggle. I struggle a lot, in fact.
Since January, I have been suffering from something. Some may call it seasonal depression or the hazy day blues or the BLAHS. Whatever it is called it sucks. My sister called me the other day. She too is suffering a smidgen from the blahs. It was nice to know I am not alone. Talked to one of the moms at the party, they were feeling the same. Maybe I am not alone in my need for sun, warmth, a happy feeling inside. The other day I smiled. Not shocking I know, but this is what is....my husband said to me, "Wow. You smiled. I haven't seen that for awhile." Slam. I guess I have been bad enough someone else has noticed. I thought I was hiding it well.
So to the point of this post: Got home from the fab party and reality slapped me in the face. I now know why I am blue or blah ridden. It is because I am a sucky parent whose children (to quote one of my kids) think is LAME. Yep. My kid called me lame. Not even to my face, but to a friend. I heard them talking when I got home. I think it went exactly like this, "My parents are so lame. I hate my life."
Now I add lame to the long list of things that I find fault in myself (or at least have been finding since the BLAHS took over). Really? Lame. What does that even mean? Am I lame because I make my kids do chores? Am I lame because they fight me every inch of the way on chores? Am I lame because I don't let them play with friends 24/7? Am I lame because I make them do homework and practice? Am I lame because I fix casseroles or breakfast for dinner? Really. Why am I lame?
When I took the job as parent I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. I never remember calling my parent lame. I did WAY more chores than my kids do. I spent way more time working than playing. Maybe that is why I am lame. Maybe I have been to much of a pushover. Maybe I have been to soft. Am I lame because I have let them have their way to much? Maybe LAME has pushed me over the edge. Maybe now I will be tough. Maybe now they will tow the line like I did. Heck, if I am going to be LAME then I will e.a.r.n. that title. (For the record the hubby says I am overreacting.) I personally think he is wrong.
Currently, I think my life is lame. I am at the beckon call of everyone. Not once do I make my own call and no one, not even myself, answers it. My beckon call just hangs in the air like a thick fog. Its quiet where my needs are concerned. Most of the time it is fine that way, but for today, for right now, I want to be heard. My needs, my feelings, they need to be heard, felt, and met. Dang it! I am not lame!!!! I am trying to do my job. I am trying to raise respectable, law abiding citizens who love me. Apparently, I am lacking. I am not feeling the love. I am feeling like crap. There. Its out there. Hope you all liked it. I feel like crap. I feel like I have bombed as a parent.
Point in case: I was just interrupted by my child. They have a doctor's appointment in 30 minutes. In fact, 3 of them do. This one asked me if they could go first and then if dad could drive to the doctor, pick them up and TAKE THEM TO A FRIENDS so they wouldn't have to wait for the other 2! WHAT?????? Do they really think they could even ask if their dad could take time from his schedule, drive a second car, spend the gas, to come and get them so they could play?! Wow. It is worse than I thought.
I knew it would be hard, but I thought it was at least possible. Apparently, today it doesn't seem that way. You can see the BLAHS have me today. I am sure tomorrow will be better.
I bet you are wishing I had just kept this positive.
Since January, I have been suffering from something. Some may call it seasonal depression or the hazy day blues or the BLAHS. Whatever it is called it sucks. My sister called me the other day. She too is suffering a smidgen from the blahs. It was nice to know I am not alone. Talked to one of the moms at the party, they were feeling the same. Maybe I am not alone in my need for sun, warmth, a happy feeling inside. The other day I smiled. Not shocking I know, but this is what is....my husband said to me, "Wow. You smiled. I haven't seen that for awhile." Slam. I guess I have been bad enough someone else has noticed. I thought I was hiding it well.
So to the point of this post: Got home from the fab party and reality slapped me in the face. I now know why I am blue or blah ridden. It is because I am a sucky parent whose children (to quote one of my kids) think is LAME. Yep. My kid called me lame. Not even to my face, but to a friend. I heard them talking when I got home. I think it went exactly like this, "My parents are so lame. I hate my life."
Now I add lame to the long list of things that I find fault in myself (or at least have been finding since the BLAHS took over). Really? Lame. What does that even mean? Am I lame because I make my kids do chores? Am I lame because they fight me every inch of the way on chores? Am I lame because I don't let them play with friends 24/7? Am I lame because I make them do homework and practice? Am I lame because I fix casseroles or breakfast for dinner? Really. Why am I lame?
When I took the job as parent I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. I never remember calling my parent lame. I did WAY more chores than my kids do. I spent way more time working than playing. Maybe that is why I am lame. Maybe I have been to much of a pushover. Maybe I have been to soft. Am I lame because I have let them have their way to much? Maybe LAME has pushed me over the edge. Maybe now I will be tough. Maybe now they will tow the line like I did. Heck, if I am going to be LAME then I will e.a.r.n. that title. (For the record the hubby says I am overreacting.) I personally think he is wrong.
Currently, I think my life is lame. I am at the beckon call of everyone. Not once do I make my own call and no one, not even myself, answers it. My beckon call just hangs in the air like a thick fog. Its quiet where my needs are concerned. Most of the time it is fine that way, but for today, for right now, I want to be heard. My needs, my feelings, they need to be heard, felt, and met. Dang it! I am not lame!!!! I am trying to do my job. I am trying to raise respectable, law abiding citizens who love me. Apparently, I am lacking. I am not feeling the love. I am feeling like crap. There. Its out there. Hope you all liked it. I feel like crap. I feel like I have bombed as a parent.
Point in case: I was just interrupted by my child. They have a doctor's appointment in 30 minutes. In fact, 3 of them do. This one asked me if they could go first and then if dad could drive to the doctor, pick them up and TAKE THEM TO A FRIENDS so they wouldn't have to wait for the other 2! WHAT?????? Do they really think they could even ask if their dad could take time from his schedule, drive a second car, spend the gas, to come and get them so they could play?! Wow. It is worse than I thought.
I knew it would be hard, but I thought it was at least possible. Apparently, today it doesn't seem that way. You can see the BLAHS have me today. I am sure tomorrow will be better.
I bet you are wishing I had just kept this positive.
Comments
you are awesome. Hang in there and do something for yourself!
This is what I do. I mentally plan vacations to the beach. You are welcome to join me. When I hit the jackpot we'll run away for a beach trip together (see how mentally healthy this is??)
For what it's worth, I think you're awesome, but remember this is coming from the world's LAMEST mom ever.
Sorry I missed you today- we continued the CNY celebrating down here in UT co.
Kim
First of all, I laughed so hard at your FHE story. I love that other families struggle with activities like that too. And your one-liner about where to go was perfect!
Secondly, if your daughters are any indication of your abilities as a parent, you have nothing to worry about. Kenzie was such a poised young woman today. She politely engaged my girls in conversation. She was clearly a natural caring for the little kids. And she serenely sat and crocheted. I admired how all the little kids seemed drawn to her.
Also, I appreciate what a wonderful friend you are. I wish we lived closer so I could be around you more! I just admire how honest and forthright you are, and how funny and genuine.
I hear ya on the "lame" comment, though. Yesterday I mentioned something I was looking forward to, an activity that is about me, and not my kids. One of them said, "Mom, you've told us that like a million times." It cut me to the core that NOBODY CARES about something I'm interested in because I'm LAME, but I'm supposed to be just fascinated with every minute detail of their lives. So I hear ya! But you rock. Thanks for coming today!
The positive things and stuff I read here by FAR outweigh the negative. You are an awesome mom. Don't worry, your kids will grow out of trying to feel cool in front of their friends. :)
Case closed.
I am so looking forward to the future when my children will be "lame" parents too!
And besides that, the weather is lame! Absolutely dreary and I am experiencing the same depressed feeling. I am so ready to break free from this gray, gloomy season. Maybe the weather is adding to our lameness!!
We need sunshine!
Your kids will try to kill you with their words,
Your kids will try to make you see how unfair you have made their lives
Oh, Oh, don't despair
One day will come where all will see
How loving and honest they will be
When they realize that you are all they need, and want to see
Laurel, it's normal for them to cut you down, don't forget how hard Satan is working on them everyday to do wrong things, as along as your kids respect you that is what is important. If they don't respect you that you can change.
Keep your head above the water, don't let Satan convince you that you are a bad parent, because you are anything but!
Next time I am called lame (and it's bound to happen again, since it has already), instead of getting angry I'll try a new approach. I'll picture the gold sparkly fabric of the same name (OK, same spelling.) Better yet I'll picture my teenage offender wearing it, just to make me smile.
Best of luck! From all accounts it sounds like you're extraordinary.
I am also feeling the blahs. This too will pass when the season gets more sunny and the spring takes over the world in happy colors!
HUGE HUGS ... you are amazing!
Speaking of lame, We scheduled our trip to Utah around my daughter's friend's mission farewell. She has dated this young man on and off for about 4 years.
During the meeting she texted my other daughter and asked, "Why is Mom here" to which she replied, "Why not? Where is she supposed to go?" It made me feel so unwelcome! Then she wanted to know if I planned on coming to his house afterward.
Sensing the fear in her text I dropped off my 3 daughters, future son in-law and niece to go have pancakes at the boy's house and I took my baby back to the empty house and had dry peanut butter and jelly.
So, after giving and giving on the trip up, and being the only one who could drive the rental car, I was exhausted and I lost it when my just about 16 year old wouldn't stop fighting with the 2 year old.
I know all parents loose it at times, and I'm not alone, but I feel lame.